Now I Live In Fear
I worked and volunteered mostly in the Jewish non-profit world for all of my adult life; I took it for granted how safe I felt compared to now. I have worked at a secular organization for one year and since the beginning, it has been a shock how emotionally unsafe I feel.
During the two months of my new job while at a mandatory DEI training, the topics not covered was surprising, but it was the small break out sessions with leaders that shocked me, “...my name can be perceived as a Jewish one....it has been a burden for people to think I am Jewish...” If a VP felt comfortable saying that out loud at DEI training, what must the culture be like? The culture has lived up to my initial concern.
I use most of my my PTO for Jewish holidays, so I do not have much time for an actual vacation to get a break from it. There are no well wishes for any Jewish, or other non-Christian holidays, but all the Christian holidays are given an enormous amount of attention complete with pork-filled meals and activities. Meetings/activities are planned on or on top of Jewish holy days. It is so isolating.
When October 7 happened I thought for sure that when I expressed my fears, concerns, and grieving, people would empathize. I was SO wrong! I mentioned it to my direct supervisor and direct reports as a way to explain my mood and all I heard was “...but the poor Gazans....” Not one mention of the hostages or my connections to those attacked. This was said before the war even started; it was upsetting. No one has uttered a word of support or concern to me just “...what is your problem today...”
A couple of months ago, a subordinate marched into my office and proudly announced his participation in the Free Palestine protests. When I tried to refer him to legit news sources, after he told me he gets his news from social media, he forcefully told me Israelis are murderers and rapists and what Hamas did was and is resistance.
I am broken and feel helpless to be me at work or in public. I feel trapped because at this point in my life there is no job search left in me. I am a proud Jew, but now live in fear talking about my concerns too much. I think I have shut down and just do my work, nothing more.